I am writing this entry with the sole purpose of using the shift button. I have never made it a habit, and have double tapped caps-lock all my life. This is actually so much easier, not sure why I never made full use of it. Okay this is the new form of typing. I am going to practice typing every day. I realise that I am very slow when it comes to typing and it is limiting to my thoughts, as I think much faster than I can type. Perhaps it works the other way round? And my typing speed could potentially increase my thinking speed? It’s also been a very long time since I have written any essays, which contributes to my lack of speed.
I think one of my goals in life is to become more sensitive to beauty. I think I can actually pinpoint a couple moments when I became aware of this.
Back in primary school I was told that I have a somewhat knack for words, the way I construct sentences have a flow to them. I also noticed that I am interested in certain kinds of writing, when the construction of sentences have some sense of character. Although I was good for my age, I think I have largely plateaued due to lack of practice, so I guess my writing is average now.
Another big moment was when I went to the showcase for my secondary school choir. I was sitting on the laminated wooden floor, looking up at the group of choir people, and I remember being deeply moved by the performance. There is a certain swell to be experienced. I thought to myself that this was something I wanted to be part of. It was also a good activity for me as we got to perform publicly. One defining moment was the recognition/awakening of an interest in leading. I was the section leader, was scolded Once but overall was doing ok. I was aware of my own experience, usually bored out of my mind practicing, but there were certain leaders that were inspiring/motivating, that made me want to push myself, and I was trying to get that out of the students. I did not have the best voice, so I would have to ask someone else to sing a part for me. The leader does not need to be the most technically skilled.
Okay the page is almost ending. I forgot that writing needs to be a constant practice. Writing for me now has become more functional in the sense that it is primarily a method of recording, not a form of expression. But practicing writing is also a practice in clarity of thought, of being able to convey meaning concisely. Emotion and soul can only be conveyed through the careful construction of a thought. The Living Mountain by Nan Shepherd is one such work. Wow “one-such-work” is such a formal phrase, I would never say that out loud. Which is strange, this means that my internal voice when I am writing is much more formal than my normal thinking voice. It is strange to make that distinction although I don’t know why. People write in an informal way all the time. I guess it is strange because I perceive thoughts to be less bounded, or “formal”, as you will, so the fact that writing anchors it somehow is a strange concept. Back to Nan. That was the next moment. Reading her simply and clearly constructed sentences awoke a sense of beauty. Also being in that class was great cause there was this kid Julian that always asked the most interesting questions and I kind of had a crush on him but never said anything about it. I only realised I had a crush when he asked if his belt made his pants look weird which caused me to look in his general crotch area and I felt something shift and it was like oh no.
Not quite sure how I got from practicing shift to crotch staring. This is by no means a precedent for future entries. Just to reiterate, these posts will primarily be an exercise in writing and honing my clarity of thought. More broadly it is about me unlearning the habits that make things necessarily hard for myself.
full-of-shift.com 