TOLERANCE

Not a proper post today. I guess today is more of reflection of my past work. I feel like I am always making the same mistake somehow. I keep getting feedback that my work is too small, I think it is a sign of dishonesty, if I am honest about my work then I would worry less about it being seen at a larger size. Instead I keep it small for fear of the mistakes being seen. In the end I am only lying to myself and preventing myself from growing..

I am still thinking about that sentence about nurturing the weak parts of your character. I think I have a better grasp of it now, it is like letting the weeds grow and take over rather than cultivating the good plants. But what if you want to grow the weeds? What makes a weed a weed.. Rather than eradicate, what if you tame and nurture the weed.. I’ve always liked ferns over other garden plants. The common-ness and hardiness are attractive qualities to me. But does this just mean that this is a plant that has failed somehow in its evolution to develop more attractive qualities? I’ve been thinking about plants a lot.. are the more beautiful ones just more sophisticated in their design? What has the rose suffered that has made it grow in the way that it has as opposed to like.. a magnolia? Both beautiful flowers (though I prefer the magnolia) but one is like the Angelina Jolie of flowers and the other one is a more common garden plant. But I am getting off track. I am trying to figure out how one knows what to cultivate, and what is the mark of a successful cultivation.

I want to cultivate my good qualities. Now that I’ve written it out I can hold myself accountable.. I guess something I noticed about the review was that I was still very much in own head. When you talk to someone smart, it seems like they are very perceptive. Almost like they are a piece of delicate of tissue, and anything you say is received by them. Whereas when you talk to someone.. less.. smart…. it’s like talking to a rock. I feel like a rock a lot of the time…. It’s like someone talks to me and rather than listen to them I am just echoing my thoughts around in my head. So much of what they are actually saying only hits me like way after. Like today, it was only while washing the dishes that I realised what the portfolio review person was actually saying. But how does one be more perceptive in the moment? I keep thinking of that analogy of a conversation being like a game of catch, rather than throw the ball back I often just take it and walk away. Its a mark of maturity I think, how deftly someone is able to handle the ball. I just need to keep practicing my perception, so that I can catch myself in time, and perhaps in the future be able to anticipate my reaction in advance and adjust accordingly.

Image (not my image) is of wood blocks arranged like bricks for an indoor floor.

/shiftposter