GO TO WASTE

“Hi, and welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688. And I’m telling you, everything is great. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean.” – Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure directed by Stephen Herek

I have always been very conscious about waste despite being a massive waster of things myself. Waste and time.. wasting time. The two are so closely linked. And being bad with time means I am great at waste. I think its mostly a way of compensating? Like in the grand scheme of things if I am more conscious about waste then I will feel less bad about wasting other things..? But if I was just more sensitive to time with my day to day tasks I don’t need to do as much to make up for the time I am wasting. But no, my day-to-day carelessness and inefficiencies add up and I have to try to cancel that out somehow with other habits.

I feel like a waste right now. I think this was the line of thinking that my mother had. I am not being put to use right now. She doesn’t even believe that I can find a job at this point. I think walking outside has made it worse. I know I am a very privileged person so it is quite tone-deaf to compare myself to a homeless person but I can’t help it. I look at them sitting in the park doing nothing and I think about how we are the same in that moment. I look at them and I can’t relax, because I am not working. To rest seems like a waste of time. Relaxation needs to be earned for me.. and yet I feel like I’ve never earned it. Even during holidays, I only took a break because I had to, not because I felt like I deserved it. Maybe the only time was the brief period right after my GRE, cause that felt like a reward after a few months of fairly intense daily preparation.

I keep telling myself this but I need to take this more seriously.. November is half over.. I had planned to submit my materials to professors at this point. Without the materials I am unable to request for the recommendation letters. For these last two weeks I think I need to increase the clarity and intensity of my work, no more farting around. Once December rolls around it’s really going to be crunch-time.. I think I need to give myself more manageable tasks, and actually work on them. This way its at least building on something, and not aimless work. Do I need to get better at wasting? What is wasted should be intentional and the result of care, rather than negligence.

/shiftposter